Sunday, November 27, 2011

I bought a juicer.

Oh man.

What did I get myself into? After watching Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead, we've invested in a Cuisinart juicer. I've been slowly getting into it the last three days, and even though I'm not exclusively juicing, I'm incredibly cranky.

America, what have you done to us? Or... what have I done to myself?

I'm a food addict.

Not just any food, either. All of the foods that aren't good for me. The fast foods, the processed foods, the easy foods. I've been doing a great job cooking at home and making sure that I know what's going in my body, but when I'm at work or when I'm snacking... forget about it.

A dialogue from yesterday while driving in the car:

George (my fiance): ... if we just list the things on Craigslist, we can put that money towards a new bedroom set.

Me: Yep.

George: We'll clean the house, and you can take pictures.

Me: Oooh! In-N-Out. They have hamburgers. And fries.

George: ...

Me: ...

George: You know. The funny thing about you juicing is that you want to eat things you would never normally want.

Me: ... Mashed potatoes. Yams. We have leftovers from Thanksgiving.

George: ...

Me: Uh. I mean. Yeah! You're right! Isn't it weird. It's like I'm suffering from withdrawals or something.

It happened like that for the rest of the day. Even if I had the juice in hand or if I was munching on the veggies, I couldn't help but think how amazing something greasy and fatty would taste. It drove me crazy. The amazing thing is that I LOVE fruits and vegetables, but just the thought of not letting myself touch something from a package or a fast food restaurant... dfjkhdsfhksjh.

I don't know how seriously I'm taking this juicing thing. I'm not going to do 60 days of juice only--I'm not ready for that kind of commitment--but maybe 5 days is good. We'll see how I feel in a few days.


Sunday, November 20, 2011

How do you choose what to post about?

If I had a donut for every time I open up this blog post page and start and then close it, the entire office at work would either love or hate me for dumping plates of them in the kitchen.

When I started the blog, I don't even know what I was thinking. I think I just wanted to use it to connect with other writers and build friendships. I never thought I had much to say on any subject, and if I was writing, it was either for support tickets (for my job), my journal at deviantART, or my book.

After all of that, what is there left to say?

I want to write about writing, but so many people write about writing. What could I possibly say that hasn't been said before?

I want to write about my life, but why? Why not use my private journal for that?

It would be great to start using this journal to talk about something meaningful, but I guess if I have to try this hard, I need to reevaluate it's purpose.

How do you choose what to post about? Are there things you won't blog about?

<3 Love you all!

Friday, November 4, 2011

Two months.

I've been writing so much lately, but I can't seem to stop.

When I got sick, it seemed like everything froze and being stuck in bed with nothing to distract me made me want to write faster.

It's been good.

It's been difficult as well.

Two months since my father passed. I hate saying 'passed.' Two months since he died. Kicked the bucket.

Some days I forget entirely but still have that lingering uncertainty as though something just isn't right.

And some days, everything makes me cry.

I want to believe I was my father's biggest supporter. I want to believe that I still cared for him, cooked for him, believed in him even though I received treatment I didn't deserve.

I'm not angry or bitter.

I just feel like in those movies. It's true. You do ask yourself, "What if things had been different?" Or "What if I had done more?"

And my result is always the same. He would still be who he was. A stubborn man who didn't want anyone's help even though his actions screamed for it.

I want to write here more often, but I'm afraid it won't be about writing. Or maybe it will be. I don't know.

How can life be so happy and so... dismantling at the same time?

I am humble, life. And I will continue to be grateful for everything I'm given, and I will continue to give. I will be optimistic. I will enjoy my life even when some days don't seem worth getting out of bed for.

That's the lesson, right? Live my life.

I am humble, life.